Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

Aight bet

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.

need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes