Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself