Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
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As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
dads on road-trips be like
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.