Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
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It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Whoever said “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” has clearly never tried cheese.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”