@Parentpains

Sometimes you just need to reach out and touch someone. With a shovel. On the side of the head.

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@mrnickharvey

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

@ericsshadow

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

@QwertyJones3

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

@suecorvette

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

@AshleyFrankly

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

@mommajessiec

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

@Average_Dad1

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

@TheMichaelRock

Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: drugs.

Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.

@blitz2six

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood