I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
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God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Living the best life.. 😊
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
my proudest tweet
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family