Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.