Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
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A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Worst bar ever.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.