Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
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Breaking news:
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.