Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

The Book. The Movie.

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.