Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me:

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”