sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
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For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Watermelon Boss!
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.