Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

APOLOGISE NOW!!!

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

*glances up from GameBoy*

SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.