sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
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“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.