Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I feel it
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box