Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
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(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
pictures of spider-man
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.