Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

The best plant holders?

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.

I want this so bad

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

It’s that simple 👊🏻

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

You have been warned.

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

Had to try this trend 😊

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

#parenting

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories