Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
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Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
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Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.