Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

cop: where were u between 7 and 8

me: third grade? idk

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

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