Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
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Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I thought this was funny lol
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.