Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
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My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
love it when they get my name right
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”