Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
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I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
he was correct
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers