Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
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“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
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Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
