Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
![]()
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem