Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
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I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
They’re stuck in your pants?
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*