Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
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Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
a public service announcement
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.