Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
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You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely