Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!

I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…

Satan: *nodding*

Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?

Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??

Me: (through tears) so creative

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer