Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
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I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I don’t get marriage
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Optional boss fight.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]