Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
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Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Oh my god
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
My Plans 2020
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Labreador
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.