Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
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Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager