Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

Seems kinda suspicious

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?

HER: what? they’re not for sale!

ME: this is preposterous

HER: no, this is a daycare

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

Two rotisserie chickens.

One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

Seems a bit forward

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.