Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

🖤✌🏽

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪