Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
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her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
💯😂
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.