Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!

Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

The morning after pill, but for tweets

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.