Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
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Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Storm Tropical Storm
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
FINE, I WON’T.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option