Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
You Might Also Like
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
KFC hitting the cannibal market
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows