Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
You Might Also Like
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Just a friendly reminder!
“OMGJK” -atheists
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I’m literally crying
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*