Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
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ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.