somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
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Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
when unicorns get really drunk
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.