somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
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I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
58.
