Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
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“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?