In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
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Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.