Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
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Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Otters drive ottermobiles.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.