somewhere, in an alternate universe
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Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.