Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo