Somewhere in an alternate universe
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Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Home #decor warning.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
