Somewhere in an alternate universe
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
<- sleeps well with others
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
thanksgiving in nutshell
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…