somewhere, in an alternate universe
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So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
For the ones in the back.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
same but as an audience member
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history