somewhere, in an alternate universe
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Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite