tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
You Might Also Like
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Dolls on drugs
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
She puts the hot in psychotic