Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
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I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
titanic
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt