Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
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Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice