Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

This week’s mood.

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.