Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
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My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Does it…does it take 3 days
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life