Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
You Might Also Like
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.