Somewhere out there, my soulmate is adorably pushing on a pull door.

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I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.


I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.


Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos


Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”


what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell


I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing


COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.


If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.


My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.