Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
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Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
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Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.