@JPLFR80

Somewhere out there, my soulmate is adorably pushing on a pull door.

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@Shade510

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

@mattZillaaaa

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

@MavenofHonor

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

@solomongeorgio

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

@DanMentos

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

@GrantTanaka

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

@tastefactory

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

@weinerdog4life

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

@robdelaney

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.