Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
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I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding