Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
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my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.