@threetimedaddy

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

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@TheToddWilliams

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

@Divergentmama

When my kids were younger, I would dream about all of the awesome things they would do when they grew up.

Now I just hope one day they learn to how to pee in the toilet, close a cupboard and rinse a dish before putting it in the sink.

@BillArrundale

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

@Ideal_Victoria

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

@djabish3k

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

@donni

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

@SlipperySecret

I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.

…because I don’t have time to get arrested today.

@tarashoe

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

@timdonakowski

I should’ve been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.