Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
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Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
