Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

My dad.

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

Me too

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”