Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
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when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.