For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
You Might Also Like
OPEN UP THIS IS THE COPS
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station writing on a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I’m good at making friends.
Wait, that’s not right.
Correction: I’m good at making friends up.
You’re not a hopeless romantic. You’re just stupid.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
*girl at the end of the bar winks at me
*I wink back
*she pouts at me
*I pout back
Waitress: Call 911! She’s had a stroke!