Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
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Webb. James Webb.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!