@youngkrazz

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

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@TomSchally

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

@RxitWounds

OPEN UP THIS IS THE COPS

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station writing on a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

@dlockw21

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

@Home_Halfway

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

@VeryLonelyLuke

I’m good at making friends.

Wait, that’s not right.

Correction: I’m good at making friends up.

@Rollinintheseat

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

@drinksmcgee

*girl at the end of the bar winks at me

*I wink back

*she pouts at me

*I pout back

*she drools

Waitress: Call 911! She’s had a stroke!