Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
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In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
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Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
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Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*