Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
You Might Also Like
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
