Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
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ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What鈥檚 wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What鈥檚 the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I鈥檓 baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I鈥檒l be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I鈥檓 over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy鈥檚 wine.
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain鈥檛 no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 馃槍馃槍
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn鈥檛 real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I鈥檓 not very good at drawing giraffes.
Made something I鈥檓 not proud of
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no