Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
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Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
early stone age tool
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans