Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
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lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
No one:
London landlords:
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
One of the best
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius