Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
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[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
You watch one pimple popping video, and suddenly the algorithm thinks you have a new hobby.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
The internet is full of many things
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color
my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.