Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
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Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.