Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
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One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Grew big
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
i can’t wait that long
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe