Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”