Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
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that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE